I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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