just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
