Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
