I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
