I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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