I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
