Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
