Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
