Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
