Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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