peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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