The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you had me at cake vodka
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
