I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
