it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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