Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
