Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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