the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
