Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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