sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
