Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
