I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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