and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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