Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
