I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
