I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
