fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
