To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
