people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
