Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
