dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
