and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
