I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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