Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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