Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
