I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
