I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
