i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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