You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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