the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
