I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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