He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
