Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
