I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
as a side note pls kill me
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