I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
