I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
