So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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