yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
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