pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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