Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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