Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
