nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
