I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
