I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
